New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
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those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?