New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
🤣✨#caturday
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.