New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
They did not miss in the small print
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.