Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.