new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.