New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
decorating my apartment
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.