new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
nothing saves money like being antisocial
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.