NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*skinny dips into black hole
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m tired tomorrow.