New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
The future is now.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.