New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
You Might Also Like
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?