New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…