New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
what do you want
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
