New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
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When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those