New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
You Might Also Like
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago