New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @


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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.



FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]



Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.


When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with


at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations


I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.


Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.


If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.


“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever


Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure