New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.