New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
You Might Also Like
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air