New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
the pigeons are already plenty salty
life finds a way
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates