New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Oh the world we live in…
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.