New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
You Might Also Like
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
rapatouille
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Twitter is an abusement park.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Jail
