@Mr_Mike_Clarke How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
@Manda_like_wine New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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@Mr_Mike_Clarke 
@AaKesseli Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
@pregnant_cat *goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
@mattgallo123 Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
@stephenjmolloy Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
@AllanForsyth Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
@JermHimselfish Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
@notalogin *Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
@WaltzingRhino E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
@thenoahkinsey I dunno why but this feels like a trap
