New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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Me: How long have you had the other one?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.