New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.