@Manda_like_wine

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

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@AaKesseli

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

@pregnant_cat

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

@mattgallo123

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

@AllanForsyth

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

@JermHimselfish

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

@notalogin

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

@WaltzingRhino

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.