New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
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What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.