new shirt idea
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Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
🤣🤣🤣
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.