New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help