[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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bro what is going on at twitter
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now