New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
are there any atheist mantises?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting