new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
You Might Also Like
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.