[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
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What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Okay
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault