New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons