new wife guy just dropped
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my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica