“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Blew my mind.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Watermelon Boss!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”