I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
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I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.