New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone