NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.