New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?