Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear