NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”