Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
But that’s none of my business
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*