NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly