@RodLacroix

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

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@mikeleffingwell

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

@Wakenbake77

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@EndhooS

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

@noog

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

@PaperWash

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*