News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Wait for it
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches