DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
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I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait
911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*gets down on 1 knee*
*puts 2nd knee down*
*lays on floor*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*