[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral