[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Still my favourite meme.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”