News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
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When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
yeah not falling for this one
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
The news is so predictable nowadays
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*