News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.