Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

I can fix him.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok

Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice

Me: I’m gonna tell em

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?