@causticbob

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

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@dave_cactus

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

@FlyoverJoel

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

@sfreeze6

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

@Henry_3000

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

@druuuck

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@RodLacroix

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

@DairylandDon

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

@indigo_raven_

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.