News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Squirrels before girls.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.