News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.


The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.


[2015 Bird Awards]


(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)


Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.


*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*


Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners


Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.


Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.


No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.


Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.