Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”

We need to move

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.