News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats