Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I need to update my racial profile.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something