Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
kids play hide and seek like
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
*jazz hands*
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Easy enough.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath