[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
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Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.