Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”


At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.


A couple who are silly together stay together.


Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one


First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.


Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.


I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.


*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough


1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”