next question.
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Dolls on drugs
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Cheer up.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.