Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Cucumbers Anonymous
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE